Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
