Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
