new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
