In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
