The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The best revenge is premature balding
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
