You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
