We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
