omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
