tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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