I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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