my soul wont recognize me after tonight
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
