conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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