haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
