'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
