You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Randomize
