all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
