I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
