so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
