Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
