You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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