My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
as a side note pls kill me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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