Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
