i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
