i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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