I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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