I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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