I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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