and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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