I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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