Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
