is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
