im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
