it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
