I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
