You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
