ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
