turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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