This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
