You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
