If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
