he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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