3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
