So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if only i could text you this smell
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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