The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
