He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
