i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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