I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
