Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
