Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
