oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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